Author Topic: funny one-liners  (Read 1550 times)

Offline landis1

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funny one-liners
« on: May 28, 2013, 08:57 »
everybody let's contribute ;D
  • my last job as a psychic ended abruptly due to unforseen circumstances
  • stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it....
  • photographers are violent people. first they frame you, then they shoot you and then they hang you on the wall


Offline wizardofoz

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #1 on: May 28, 2013, 09:28 »
Ok I cant resist this one....


I find even capital letters affect the sound.




I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline n3wk1d

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #2 on: May 28, 2013, 09:40 »
I sold lots of thing and also buying many of them, once a seller told me this.

All my items are for sale but they are not "On Sale". LOL
If you are buying from Amazon, please help me by clicking from the link    AMAZON USA  |  AMAZON UK    

Offline Quest

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #3 on: May 28, 2013, 09:45 »
Ok I cant resist this one....


I find even capital letters affect the sound.
Glad I made your day wiz. :)

pitch bender

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #4 on: May 28, 2013, 15:06 »

"Even a stopped clock is right twice a day"  ???

Offline MatJenin

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #5 on: May 28, 2013, 15:59 »
Here's one...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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Offline deadline

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2013, 12:47 »
sold my tooth for a tooth pick

Offline jimi

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #7 on: June 03, 2013, 23:11 »
News flash: "The irish inventors behind their infamous inflatable dart board have met with dissipated sales"....

"however they are hoping to come back on their newest product: the solar-powered torch"

Offline landis1

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2013, 17:08 »
these are not exactly one-liners but they are nevertheless funny ;D


Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ... He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Sign in a shop corner introducing new products:
Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Sign in a Hospital ward:
Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.
The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here. She May Be Your Grandmother!

Offline kelso

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #9 on: June 04, 2013, 19:19 »
Sign in a morgue:
We see dead people
Waking up in the morning is the second hardest thing.

Offline whyeme

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #10 on: June 04, 2013, 19:28 »
From Cajun Pawn Stars:

The reason why they invented action figures is because dudes don't wanna be caught playing with dolls.
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Offline landis1

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Re: funny one-liners
« Reply #11 on: January 25, 2019, 16:08 »
;D

I am currently doing some serious writing ... mostly suicide notes

I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital? At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.