Author Topic: Some funny stuff for the day  (Read 162341 times)

Offline wizardofoz

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Some funny stuff for the day
« on: August 28, 2011, 12:45 »
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a w@nk. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Charles says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

Black bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just shagged the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I've just watched the Simpsons and realized it's a load of bollocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a right Queen, Says Stephen.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline MatJenin

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #1 on: August 29, 2011, 10:07 »
Someone sent me this one...

 It appears that the same things that bug us now, have bugged others for
the past 2000+ years. What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians.
         -Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

 "If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed."
         -Mark Twain

 Suppose you were an idiot.
 And suppose you were a member of Parliament....
 But then I repeat myself.
        -Mark Twain

 I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a
man, standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
         -Winston Churchill

 A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support
of Paul.
         - George Bernard Shaw

 A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt
he proposes to pay off with your money..
         -G Gordon Liddy

 Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
     -James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

 Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in
rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
     -Douglas Casey

 Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys
to teenage boys.
     -P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


 Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavours to
live at the expense of everybody else.
     -Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

 Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases:
 If it moves, tax it.
 If it keeps moving, regulate it.
 And
 If it stops moving, subsidize it.
     -Ronald Reagan (1986)


 I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
         -Will Rogers


 If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
         -P.J. O'Rourke


 In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
         -Voltaire (1764)


 Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean Politics
won't take an interest in you!
         -Pericles (430 B.C.)


 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
         -Mark Twain (1866)

 Talk is cheap...except when Parliament does it.
         -Unknown


 The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
         -Ronald Reagan


 The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
 The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
         -Winston Churchill


 The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
          -Mark Twain


 The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill
the world with fools.
         -Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

 A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough
to take everything you have.
         -Thomas Jefferson
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Offline Doggie Howser

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #2 on: August 29, 2011, 11:08 »
Mark Twain wouldnt use Member of Parliament :)
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Offline jimi

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #3 on: August 29, 2011, 12:51 »
True,

I believe the quote should be:

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Offline homersimpson

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #4 on: September 05, 2011, 15:21 »
I man came across a genie. The genie says you can have whatever you want but your mother in law gets double what you get. The man tells the Genie I want a million dollars and beat me till I am half dead.

Offline Pingu

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #5 on: September 05, 2011, 16:21 »
I liked "Fact Hunt".

When is it on?
xxx

Offline armoury

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #6 on: September 06, 2011, 12:13 »
Here is why S&P downgraded the US credit rating.

• U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
• Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
• New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
• National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
• Recent budget cut: $ 38,500,000,000
 
Now let’s remove 8 zeros and pretend it’s a household budget.

• Annual family income: $21,700
• Money the family spent: $38,200
• New debt on the credit card: $16,500
• Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
• Total budget cuts: $385
 
There is no dark side of the moon really.  Matter of fact, it's all dark.

Offline Pingu

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #7 on: September 06, 2011, 17:09 »
...brings things into perspective, doesn't it... :o
xxx

Offline DIYer Straits

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2011, 10:50 »
Taken from Facebook wall postings:

   The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my truck waiting for us to go deer hunting, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have our feeders set to go off in thirty minutes. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him! "



   Dad buys a Lie Detector Robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it. Son where were you today? At school the son replies. Robot slaps him! Ok at a friends watching a dvd. What dvd? Dad asked. "Toy Story" Robot slaps him again. Ok a porno cries the son! Dad yells WHAT! When I was your age, we didnt know what porn was! Robot slaps dad. Mom laughing hahaha. He's definitely your son. Robot slaps mom!


   You are on a crowded bus when you suddenly realize you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. You let go about 5 strong and loud ones back to back. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember.....You've been listening to your iPod the whole time.
Audere' Est Facere'    COME ON YOU SPURS.......
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Offline Doggie Howser

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2011, 10:58 »
This took me a while to get:

Cop sees a black guy dancing on a Ford.

He radios HQ: "Black guy dancing on a Ford."

HQ radios back: "This is unacceptable language. Please rephrase in politically correct terms"

Cop: Errr.... Zulu... Tango... Sierra

:D
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Offline chewed

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2011, 11:04 »
This took me a while to get:

Cop sees a black guy dancing on a Ford.

He radios HQ: "Black guy dancing on a Ford."

HQ radios back: "This is unacceptable language. Please rephrase in politically correct terms"

Cop: Errr.... Zulu... Tango... Sierra

:D

er, this is really a slow day, but i still don't get it...

Offline etnt

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2011, 11:06 »
er, this is really a slow day, but i still don't get it...
Zulu (black) Tango (dance) Sierra (a Ford model)

Offline Doggie Howser

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2011, 11:07 »
Black guy... Zulu

Dancing.. Tango

Ford... Sierra

I know.. isn't as funny when you explain it like that.

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Offline chewed

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2011, 11:28 »

ha ha.... ;D

Offline wizardofoz

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2011, 11:55 »
Copy that radio :P
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.