Author Topic: Some funny stuff for the day  (Read 166655 times)

Offline DIYer Straits

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #45 on: October 28, 2011, 10:45 »
More from Facebook:

A Bricklayer’s Accident Report...
Dear Sir,
In response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.

When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Then my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Kind Regards,
XXXXXX
Audere' Est Facere'    COME ON YOU SPURS.......
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Offline wizardofoz

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #46 on: October 28, 2011, 15:18 »
The Bricklayer is classed as a Darwin Award Urban legend IIRC from a long time back... but a classic... kak myself everytime I read it so badly so that I dont read it anymore. ???
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline wizardofoz

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #47 on: October 30, 2011, 09:23 »
From a Teacher - short and to the point:
 
In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who
send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capitalisation. For
those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following
statement:
 
"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a
horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
 
Is everyone clear on that?
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline wizardofoz

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #48 on: October 30, 2011, 09:24 »
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
 
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
 
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.  He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
 
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
 
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
 
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
 
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
 
What would YOU do?
 
What Lancelot chose is below.
 
BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.
 
OKAY?
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
 
Now....what is the moral to this story?
 
 
Scroll down
 
 
 
 
 
The moral is.....
 
 
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly!
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline Quest

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #49 on: October 30, 2011, 09:31 »
interesting way of spinning the old tale.. :)

Offline wizardofoz

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #50 on: November 23, 2011, 08:49 »
I have a pile of stuff that pushes out squiggly waveforms from smaller squiggly waveforms that sometimes come from 1's and 0's.
It's wonderful to behold as long as you don't let the magic smoke out.

Life is short! Enjoy the music while it plays, when it stops, there might be a chair for you...or  maybe not.

Offline DIYer Straits

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #51 on: January 18, 2012, 09:41 »
From a Facebook posting:

THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
(This one is too funny not to forward!)

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, *itch!'
Audere' Est Facere'    COME ON YOU SPURS.......
Laptop via XMOS
Dual AK4495 DAC
Technics SL1200Mk2 (Modded) : Magnepan Unitrac : AT 33PTG/AT ART7
Ortofon T30 MC step-up, Custom MM WAD Phono3S Tube Phonostage/DACT CT100 (modded)
Custom 6N6p Aikido Preamplifier
Modded TPA3118 Class D amplifier/ TPA 3255 power amplifier
Modded Thiel CS2.4/Modded ATC SCM-7/Some Satori in birch ply cabinets with a PR/KEF R300
To be updated

Offline dsj88

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #52 on: January 18, 2012, 13:26 »

A snack maker, marketing its product to pubs, nightclubs and other entertainment venues, is calling its snack Nuckin Futs, after getting the green light from Australian regulators.
 
The Trade Marks Examiner initially decided Nuckin Futs was scandalous and inappropriate and rejected a trademark application.
 
The company's lawyers had argued the four-letter word implied in the product name by juxtapositioning the words' initials, is a normal part of Australian speech and therefore not offensive.
 

That argument may not have been accepted.
 
But the trademark was eventually allowed on condition the Queensland owner does not market the product to children



Offline armoury

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #53 on: January 18, 2012, 14:40 »
The company's lawyers had argued the four-letter word implied in the product name by juxtapositioning the words' initials, is a normal part of Australian speech and therefore not offensive.

I wonder... I've come across the term "no wockin' furries, mate", so perhaps it really is an Oz thing?
There is no dark side of the moon really.  Matter of fact, it's all dark.

Offline bigtree

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The best reverse sensor in the world
« Reply #54 on: January 24, 2012, 09:41 »
Something to make you ho hoi sum in the new year ~

Some dude testing his newly installed reverse sensor~

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/RBfHQfPOvMs&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/RBfHQfPOvMs&fs=1</a>

Offline akdwivedi

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #55 on: January 24, 2012, 11:18 »
Something to make you ho hoi sum in the new year ~

Some dude testing his newly installed reverse sensor~

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/RBfHQfPOvMs&fs=1" target="_blank" class="new_win">http://www.youtube.com/v/RBfHQfPOvMs&fs=1</a>

lovely.. what does it take to install this sensor.

Offline kelso

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #56 on: January 26, 2012, 00:59 »
Waking up in the morning is the second hardest thing.

Offline dsj88

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #57 on: January 26, 2012, 04:16 »
Edzachary's disease

A woman who has not been able to get a date or men to get interested in her for all her life decided to seek professional help. She visited a western doctor who examined her thoroughly, top to bottom but could not find anything wrong with her physically. Still frustrated she visited another western doctor for a second opinion. Again the doctor examined her and told her that he could not find anything amiss and could not understand why she is shunned by all men. A friend then suggested she visits a chinese physician. The chinese physician examined her and then said " Ah I know the problem why you cannot find a man. You have edzachary's disease." "Oh my God! what is that Is that serious? Can I be cured? to which the doctor replied "Sorry you cannot be cured. Edzachary's disease is when your face looks edzachary like your arsh!
« Last Edit: January 26, 2012, 04:36 by dsj88 »

Offline bigtree

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #58 on: January 26, 2012, 08:18 »
Since someone posted starwars...check out stormtrooper's off day with kid (clone).


Offline kelso

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Re: Some funny stuff for the day
« Reply #59 on: January 28, 2012, 19:08 »
« Last Edit: January 29, 2012, 15:00 by kelso »
Waking up in the morning is the second hardest thing.